<blockquote> <p> Warning from publisher to reader: </p> </blockquote> <p> At HarperCollins, we are committed to customer satisfaction. Before proceeding with your purchase, please take the following questionnaire to determine your likelihood of enjoying this book: </p> <p> 1. Which of the following do you appreciate? </p> <blockquote> (a) Women with somewhat horse-ish facial features.<br> (b) Women who, while not super Jew-y, are more identifiably Jewish than, say, Natalie Portman.<br> (c) Frequent discussion of unwanted body hair. </blockquote> <p> 2. Are you offended by the following behavior? </p> <blockquote> (a) Instructing one's grandmother to place baked goods in her rectal cavity.<br> (b) Stripping naked in public?eleven times in a row.<br> (c) Stabbing one's boss in the head with a writing implement. </blockquote> <p> 3. The best way to treat an emotionally fragile young girl is: </p> <blockquote> (a) Murder the main course of her Thanksgiving dinner before her very eyes.<br> (b) Tell her that her older sister is prettier than she, and then immediately die.<br> (c) Prevent her suicide by recommending she stay away from open windows. </blockquote> <p> If you read the above questions without getting nauseous or forming a hate Web site, you are ready to buy this book! Please proceed to the cashier. </p>